At A Loss--Or A Gain

You guys, I'm so TORN on this issue. Torn, I tell you.

I want to talk about it and get it out there, and anything I feel that strongly about, I usually blog about. But, I don't know if I want to bring attention to the issue, to give it attention because I'm not sure it NEEDS any more attention than it already gets. From the media, from society--everyone is talking about it in one way, shape or form. And the damage it is doing to our girls?  Hopefully not irreparable.  

It's body image. Specifically, MY body image.

I went to the doctor today, and the number on the scale was the highest it has been since I was pregnant.  The number itself was a bit of a surprise, but I know I've put on a little weight. In fact, I broke down and bought bigger pants this year--for the first time in a very long time, even pre-pregnancy. So it was no big shock that my weight was up.

Now, the reason for gaining weight is multi-faceted. I'm getting older, the metabolism is slowing down.  I'm not exercising nearly as much as I used to, pre-child.  But worse than that, my taste buds are changing.  I crave carbs, starches. I still like sweets, but bread and salt call my name.  My taste is changing and my will power is shrinking.  I used to be able to turn down junk like it was my job. Now, when something delicious is lurking in the staff lounge, I just cannot make myself pass it up (and let me tell you, teachers are the WORST for bringing in delicious treats!). Put all of those things together, and you get...well...honestly...an ever-growing ass.

I feel like Jekyll and Hyde on this issue.  On one hand, I long for my old body. I miss putting on cute jeans and not worrying what I look like from behind. I miss being able to shop at just about any store. I miss feeling good about my appearance, and not feeling like I have something to cover up every time I get dressed. Hell, I miss not feeling a fat roll when I sit up normally at my desk.  But--on the OTHER hand--I don't pig out every single day. I'm not totally sedentary. Admittedly I worked out a ton more in the summer than I have since work started again, but it's not like I don't do anything. Long story short--maybe I should be accepting of this newer me. Maybe it should be okay to me that my body doesn't look like I'm in my 20s anymore. Maybe it should be okay to everyone  that an upper-30s woman has a little more meat on her bones than she did when she was younger. As long as I feel "fit" and healthy, should it matter what the scale says, what size my pants are?  These are the things I am thinking about.  Self-versus-society-versus-right-and-wrong-and body-image-and-raising-a-daughter-in-this-messed-up-world-of-unrealistic-expectations. 

Don't worry. I don't talk about my weight or body disappointment in front of Amelia. We talk in terms of what makes a body healthy and strong, not in terms of shape or size. Regardless of where I end up on the issue, I will never make my issues her issues by proxy.

So, I continue to ponder and think and decide where I truly am with this (and let's get real for a minute; we all know which would be politically correct and which we would like to say we agree with. However, we also hold ourselves to a different set of standards than what we deem as societally-acceptable. That's just life.). I'd love to hear from you--all of my readers. Where are you on this?